Expectations.

Not a good day today. People in therapy are concerned for me, I’m concerned for me. It has been suggested I call the crisis hotline asap, as I’m rapid cycling and having some issues. I literally cycled between happiness, anger, sadness, and depression in the matter of 60 minutes today. It’s fucking ridiculous. I’m irritable, restless, and impatient.

Today, a counselor told me it’s because I have expectations of people, and I shouldn’t.  Is it wrong to expect people to say what they mean, and mean what they say? Or is that tolerance? Is it wrong for me to believe when people tell me they are going to be there for me and then they aren’t? I mean, what in the actual fuck? I’m sick of it. I’m sick of people-ing. I just want to sit in the sun until I roast like a pepper and then swim in the pool. That is literally all I can manage right now.  However, I somehow managed to talk my alcoholic step-brother into going to family night meeting tonight, so I have to go through with that, because the last thing I want to be is a hypocrite. Although, I think he’s trying to wiggle out of it, as we speak.

I feel like the only thing that brings me solace lately is writing and reading blogs. I’m completely obsessed with all things mental health and substance abuse related.  Danielle doesn’t think that’s the healthiest of things, but at least I’m learning.  I tried making a new friend, and look how that turned out.

I finally gave in and sent Ron a text after 3 days of silence (on his part) and needless to say, I haven’t heard back. Not a single word. So, me expecting to hear back from someone who supposedly cared about me is wrong? It fucking hurts. Again. It hurts getting ignored and discarded. I’m sick of it. My family was right, and that’s a bitter pill to swallow. Lesson learned: no new relationships…..maybe ever. It’s really hard for me, because it started to feel so good knowing I had the support Ron offered, and now I don’t. It was nice having someone call me beautiful and sweeping me off my feet. Who doesn’t like that? I guess it probably comes down to the one thing all men want. I’m so dumb. Such a fool. No more. Not again.

The only way I know how to not have expectations of people, is to not have people in my life. Problem solved. Fuck it.

Bingo.

After discussing my paranoia and obsessive thoughts with my friend “C” today, I started googling words like: obsessive thoughts, paranoid thoughts, obsessive paranoid thoughts, unhealthy relationships, obsessed with relationships, inability to be alone, pathetic, etc. You get the idea. What I found were blogs and articles about Borderline Personality Disorder, which I’ve read a little about in the past, but didn’t put much stock in it.  I thought I just have bipolar with generalized anxiety disorder and PTSD.  Well, I put my obsessing to good use this afternoon, and read everything I could about BPD. Um……BINGO!

First order of business with Danielle (counselor) on Monday will be to discuss this possibility.  It sure would make sense considering the way I am in relationships, especially romantic and my extreme issues with abandonment.  I’ve highlighted the parts that I think best describe me below.

The cons to this are that there isn’t a pill I can take for this disorder, like bipolar disorder. From what I read the only help is years and years of therapy. Oh joy.  The pros are my obsessive and unrealistic attachment to people is now somewhat explained.  As well as, my very intense emotions and black and white ways of thinking.

A Guide to Spotting the Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder – BPD

A personality disorder is a pattern of feelings and behaviors that seem appropriate and justified to the person experiencing them, even though these feelings and behaviors cause a great deal of problems in that person’s life.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder that typically includes the following symptoms:

• Inappropriate or extreme emotional reactions
• Highly impulsive behaviors
• A history of unstable relationships

Intense mood swings, impulsive behaviors, and extreme reactions can make it difficult for people with borderline personality disorder to complete schooling, maintain stable jobs and have long-lasting, healthy relationships.

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder symptoms vary from person to person and women are more likely to have this disorder than men. Common symptoms of the disorder include the following:

• Having an unstable or dysfunctional self-image or a distorted sense of self (how one feels about one’s self)
• Feelings of isolation, boredom and emptiness
• Difficulty feeling empathy for others
• A history of unstable relationships that can change drastically from intense love and idealization to intense hate
• A persistent fear of abandonment and rejection, including extreme emotional reactions to real and even perceived abandonment
• Intense, highly changeable moods that can last for several days or for just a few hours
• Strong feelings of anxiety, worry and depression
• Impulsive, risky, self-destructive and dangerous behaviors, including reckless driving, drug or alcohol abuse and having unsafe sex
• Hostility
• Unstable career plans, goals and aspirations

Many people experience one or more of the above symptoms regularly, but a person with borderline personality disorder will experience many of the symptoms listed above consistently throughout adulthood.

The term “borderline” refers to that fact that people with this condition tend to “border” on being diagnosed with additional mental health conditions in their lifetime, including psychosis.

One of the ironies of this disorder is that people with BPD may crave closeness, but their intense and unstable emotional responses tend to alienate others, causing long-term feelings of isolation.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Suicidality

Around 80 percent of people with borderline personality disorder display suicidal behaviors, including suicide attempts, cutting themselves, burning themselves, and other self-destructive acts. It is estimated that between 4 and 9 percent of people with BPD will die by suicide.

Help for Borderline Personality Disorder

Living with borderline personality disorder, or being in a relationship with someone who has BPD, can be stressful. It can be very difficult to acknowledge and accept the reality of BPD, but treatment may help.

If you are concerned that you, or that someone you care about, may have borderline personality disorder, contact a licensed mental health professional. Many supportive healthcare professionals are available to help you get started on the path to healing. Since BPD can be a complex condition, and treatment usually requires long-term talk therapy, it will be important to find a mental health professional who has expertise in treating this condition.

It is possible to learn how to manage feelings better and find ways to have healthier and more rewarding relationships. With the help of talk therapy, one can learn how to reduce impulsive and self-destructive behaviors and understand more about the condition. With a commitment to long-term treatment, positive and healthy change is within reach.

Resources:

National Institute of Mental Health: BPD
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

Mayo Clinic: BPD

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20023204?p=1

National Alliance on Mental Illness: BPD

F*cked.

I could not get out of bed today until 1:00 p.m. Therapy was just not in the cards for me today, f*ck, breathing was a chore. Writing this post is taking all I’ve got. Paranoia and obsessive thoughts are winning today. Depression with anxiety is my own personal hell. The thoughts that are consuming me today are about men. 2 in particular, Ron and David.

David thoughts: Why did I waste so much time? How could I not know he was cheating on me, right under my nose? What kind of woman is he dating? What a whore and a skank. I fucking hate both of them, with every ounce of my being. I hate myself. He’s like a stranger to me now. He is NOT the person I thought I loved. The person I loved is a fantasy, a fake. Fuck that guy, fuck them both. I hope they both die in a fiery crash, trapped in their car and burned alive, while their parents watch. Yeah, I said it. Anger doesn’t even begin to cover it. Hate, isn’t a strong enough word. Hard to believe this is the same person I cried over for nearly a month straight. Fuck that! No more! I honestly don’t care if he lives or dies.

Ron thoughts: I received a text from him this morning, that he said he sent last night but for some reason I didn’t get it, so he sent it again this morning:

“Hey babe, it’s going to be ok, I’m not mad at you or anything. I’m just kinda taking some time for myself, here lately I’ve had to deal with a lot on all sides and it has kinda pushed me into a little bit of a shell right now. It’s going to be ok between us, its funny becuase I think it’s lifes way of showing me I have a lot to get thru like you babe. I don’t really feel like talking tonight honey, don’t really want to talk to anyone. All I could think about today was how I just wanted to go home and be back in bed. I know it’s not the best way to deal with things, but it’s all I really have at this moment. I’m hoping a calm and peaceful weekend loving on my daughter will give me the recharge I need to face some things and make some good decisions to ensure mine and Haley’s happiness.”

So, since I’m already in my depressed state, the paranoia and obsessive thoughts have completely taken over. Of course, the only sentence I see is the last one. Specifically, “I need to face some things and make some good decisions to ensure mine and Haley’s happiness.”  I’m assuming he’s letting me down easy and creating space, so that way when the weekend is over, he can say he’s thought about things, and he just isn’t ready or something. Just you wait and see. I’ll update once I find out….if I ever hear from him again, which I don’t expect to. I responded with: “I understand. I also understand the want of just curling up in bed, but I’m here for you. Please, please don’t shut me out. Enjoy your weekend with Haley, I’ll leave you alone.” 

“Thank you for being so understanding, I really appreciate it. :-)”

He didn’t say, please don’t leave him alone, or that he’ll talk to me on Sunday or next week. There was no further reassurance, whatsoever. All I can do is wait. That’s a miserable thing to ask of a someone who is bipolar.  Our brains don’t think rationally. My friend “C” and my sister-in-law have both said that I’m overthinking things and that I have nothing to worry about, especially because he was calling me babe, and honey and all that. The thing is; I didn’t know how much I wanted this man, until the thought of losing him could actually happen. I feel like I’m such an energy thief, an emotional black hole that sucks the life out of people. Why would he want me? Even though he reassured me multiple times, maybe the thought of me and my problems are too much to handle. I also get now why people have cautioned me about getting involved with someone so soon. So, if this doesn’t work out, I won’t be pursuing any other relationships until I can get my shit together.

****STAY TUNED FOR MY UPDATE, IF AND WHEN I HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN.****

AS ALWAYS, IF ANY OF YOU HAVE SOME ADVICE OR THOUGHTS, GOOD OR BAD, I WELCOME THEM!

The flowers Ron got me. Blooming more and more every day. 

On July 16, 2016July 21, 2016 By A Constant State of HeartbreakIn addiction, Alcoholism, anxiety, Bipolar, boyfriend, broken, Depression, Heartbreak, hope, love, Mental Illness, pain, Punishment, relationship, Ruined, Substance Abuse, therapy, Uncategorized2 Comments

Backsliding.

So, we all know what happens 100% of the time after mania right? The bottom drops out and the depression sets in. I am drowning in my own negative thoughts of worthlessness and abandonment….again. To top it off, David confirmed to me last night that he WAS in fact cheating on me before he broke up with me, and was planning on breaking up with me, whether I drank or not.  I thought I was over him, and I feel like I am, but that was a pretty low blow and set me back. I didn’t need to know that, he did it to simply hurt me. He is a true sociopath. I sent his new girlfriend a message letting her know that we slept together the last night I was there, and told her he told me how much he loved me. It was a bitchy thing for me to do, but I really don’t give a fuck. She replied that her heart and mind are clean, and I responded with “That’s hilarious.” I wished her luck with someone who is a cheater and called her a few choice names. I honestly no longer give a fuck. I’ve cut off all contact with him and blocked him on all fronts.

Also, I met with the new guy (Ron) that I wrote about in my previous post  and it was a GREAT day. I mean something out of a romance novel/movie, great. The chemistry and connection were like nothing I’ve ever experienced. We just clicked and it was effortless. However, he sent me a text today stating:

“I’ll be honest, I’m kinda stressing about all the drama you and I seem to be going through. I feel kinda boxed in with all the drama and I’m definitely having a hard time with it coming from what seems like all angles. I’m sure I will be fine, I think I need to un-stress a bit though. So that being said, I’m ok, just stressed, and just need time to process. I hope you have a wonderful day and try not to be upset with me and understand what I’m saying. I’ve just lived with sooooooo much stress and drama that my mind is kinda shutting down and I kinda feel numb right now.”

I think I’ve read it at least 100 times today, maybe more.  I literally stared at it all day.  What in the actual fuck do I do with that? Do I fight for him? Do I ignore him? 

I did not do well today with all that has happened. I’m shutting down and isolating. I’m crying and feeling like a complete idiot. My family warned me not to get involved with anyone, because they were afraid I was going to get hurt, and now look at me.  I’m doing my best to hide the disappointment I’m feeling about the situation with Ron, because I don’t want my family to give me the old “I told you so.”  I’m just telling them I’m upset about David, which is true, but there’s more to the story.  So, here I am, the idiot. This guy promised he would never ghost me, and that’s exactly what happened. As my friend pointed out, he told me he needed space and is taking it, but I wasn’t given the chance to explain myself or fix the problem. So, I guess I have to just do my best to move on and pretend like I never met him. I don’t know what else to do. I really don’t ever expect to hear from him again, but we’ll see. ** If any of you have any advice, I welcome it, because I’m totally lost and hurt. **

I spoke with my 2 counselors today, and I’d like to say it helped, it didn’t.  Although, I did get some information about transitional housing that I am going to be applying for very soon. The only catch is, I have to be seeking full-time employment or already have a full-time job. Well, I can’t do that until I complete this 30 days. I’m 1 week in, so 3 more to go. It’s so frustrating feeling like I’m in limbo. There is a really long road ahead of me, but all I can do is 1 step at a time. I’m also having extreme brain fog, uncontrollable body movements, paranoia, and obsessive thoughts. I’ve been rubbing and pulling on my lips and mouth, which is embarrassing, to say the least, but I can’t seem to stop.  My counselor sent an email to whoever requesting a crisis appointment with one of the doc’s to see about adjusting my meds.

It’s fucking hell right now in my brain. I need for this depression to move along and plane out. I’m just so sick of the ups and downs of this disorder. I feel like the smallest thing will trigger me and the next thing I know, I’m drowning.  I understand now why people look forward to the mania, because this feeling fucking sucks.

Unconditional.

WARNING: I am manic, so this post may be all over the place, so I apologize in advance.

So, I started my intensive outpatient therapy for substance abuse and mental health, last Thursday.  I haven’t been able to write until now, because I have so much to say, that I didn’t know where to start. Here we go.

My therapy consists of 5, 1-hour group sessions that take place consecutively from 10:30 a.m. until 3:30 p.m. Monday through Friday.  My first day, I look up from across the room and almost instantly recognize someone I think I went to middle school with.  Sure enough, as the sign in sheet gets passed to me, I see his name on the first line.  I waited until the break and approached him.  He immediately recognized me. Turns out, he is bipolar too. Small freaking world. We were close in middle school, too. We used to talk on the phone for hours and hours. He also went to a dance with one of my friends, so it’s an interesting dynamic.  He has been incredibly compassionate and kind, so I really appreciate it.  Due to the strict rules of privacy at the facility, I have no fear of him sharing any of my personal information.

Group has been interesting, to say the least. Each hour we cover different topics, so that helps, too.  It’s mainly geared toward substance abuse and a lot of the people are there by court order.  All of the counselor’s are former addicts of some type and are wonderful.  I would say all in all, I’m enjoying it.  I’m already learnig a lot, although I don’t buy into the AA 12-step program.  For one, I don’t believe in a higher power, so I can’t really work the steps.  So, for now, I’m taking what I can and applying it the best way I can.

I’ve met someone.  Someone, significant. Someone, that I never expected to.  Here’s the deal: I’ve told him EVERYTHING.  When I say everything, I mean it.  I’ve told him about my ex’s, about bipolar, about the alcoholism, my break-up, about living with my parents, and that I don’t own a car.  I had to, because this guy was getting pretty invested in me, and I felt like I had to give him the warning of how broken and fucked up my life is.  Guess how he responded?  He said, “Honey, we’ve all been through a hard time in life, and a lesser man might pass judgement and walk away, because things are a little difficult right now, but that isn’t me.” I was absolutely FLOORED!  He is THE kindest, sweetest man I have ever met.  He explained to me he’s dealt with something similar in his past, so he isn’t afraid.  I’ve given him a few chances to walk, and he has planted his feet and isn’t going anywhere.  I’ve also explained to him that therapy is my number one priority right now, next to my kids, and he responded with “Honey, it shouldn’t be any other way.” I don’t know what I did in this life to deserve this, but I’m going to enjoy it as long as I can.  We’ve agreed to take it as slow as we can and not to introduce each other to our respective children, until we know it’s for keeps. He also said he will wait as long as I need to feel comfortable.  For the short time I’ve known him, I’ve already experienced what it’s like to have someone care for me 100%, unconditionally.  What a change. I think I can get used to this.

 

Fine.

How many times a day do we answer this question with an automatic “fine?” I know I do. A lot. When I am very NOT fine. At any given moment, I am one of the feelings above, but who in the hell actually wants to tell someone? Who wants to be seen as a complainer or a nag?  Not me. I’ve always had a problem with disclosing my actual feelings about most topics, until I don’t. I learned at a very young age, to shut my mouth and deal with it. This method of coping has not served me well in my adult life. Even now, when my mother asks me how I am, I can tell she is wanting me to say “fine.” I guess that’s where therapy comes in.  Someone who actually doesn’t want to hear “fine.” Fine has caused me many issues in every relationship in my life, whether it be with my romantic partner, family, or work relationships. As I’ve stated in a previous post, I put on my “happy face” and drive on.  Well, that has got to stop…today. Of course, if a stranger on the street asks me this question I’m not going to respond “Well, see, I’m bipolar and I’m also an alcoholic, and oh yeah, I just went through the most painful breakup of my life, so I’m depressed, alienated, numb, stressed, aching, suicidal, and broken, just to name a few.  How are you?” Nope, I won’t do that. However, the next time a loved one asks me that question, I’m going to answer honestly.  I say in my line of work, you give the customer the information and what they choose to do with it, is on them. That applies here, too. We’ll see how that turns out.

I had my first appointment today at the local mental health facility that I’ve been waiting on for two weeks. I had a lot of anxiety about it and was pretty nervous. I was scared they were going to diagnose me with something more severe or add-on some new things.  Turns out it was just with an intake social worker who did an initial interview to determine what level of treatment I need.  No surprise, I qualify for the most intense outpatient therapy available. Guess a suicide attempt within the last 30 days, will get you that diagnosis. So, that is 25 hours of intensive outpatient therapy a week. 5 hours a day, 5 days a week. It’s 5, 1-hour group sessions, that vary day-to-day and week to week.  My case manager wants me to do 25 hours a week for 30 days….to start.  After that, it will be revisited.  I will also meet with a counselor one on one, and a Psychiatrist that will prescribe meds. I won’t see the shrink for at least 4 weeks, because the wait list is that long.  I’m hoping my family doctor back in Texas will be able to refill my meds, as I’m finally beginning to level out a bit.  So, I start tomorrow morning.  Should be interesting, as a lot of the patients are there by court order.  I’ll be sure to update after tomorrow’s events.

I also got a phone call today that provided a bit of healing and piece of mind.  Turns out David still cares very much about me and is genuinely concerned with my well-being.  He was worried contacting me would upset me or would be inappropriate.  Honestly, when I saw the missed call, I felt sick.  I had no idea what would happen when I called him back.  I did not expect to talk to him for 45 minutes and I think it’s something we both needed. He’s agreed to continue communicating with me, as long as it is healthy for me and not hurting me.  I did cry a lot, and I made it known that I still love him very much and would like to start over. I don’t think that will happen, but I needed to say it. He is the great love of my life. The one I will never get over, I know that.  What we had does not come along twice in a lifetime.  I don’t have any aspirations or hopes of anything, as I truly am focusing my energy on making myself the healthiest I can be. So, for now, I’m going to work on me and still love him.  I’m no longer going to focus energy on trying to get over him.  If I’m meant to get over him, it’ll happen, if not, I’m ok with that too. I’ll be fine. Right?

 

 

…

Independence.

Today, July 4th, is David’s favorite holiday.  In fact, it’s the only holiday he enjoys.  I sent him a text last night shortly after midnight wishing him a good holiday and told him it’ll be forever changed for me. I ended it with, “I love you.”  I’m pathetic.  At this point, I’m pretty sure my texts are blocked, not sure.

I spent the whole day pretending I’m not hurting, not grieving David.  Pretending that I wasn’t seeing him everywhere.  Last year we were here and it was wonderful, so being here again this year was incredibly tough.  I put on my “happy face” and did my best to try to get through the day.  I get so, so tired of fighting this depression, this heartache.  It’s exhausting acting like I’m o.k. all the time.  I felt compelled to do this, because God knows, I’m tired of explaining myself, and don’t want to let my family down, or  worse, make them feel like they have to cheer me up.  I feel like the only emotions I actually feel lately are sadness, regret, guilt, anxiety, and abandonment.  If I’m not careful with my thoughts, I find myself having trouble taking breaths and I start breathing shallow, and then I’m fighting back tears and an anxiety attack.  I’M SO FUCKING SICK OF IT.  I don’t want to miss him anymore.  I don’t want to think about him anymore!  Sometimes, I feel like I’m so close to being done with this pain, but it never fails.  A memory or a song, or something someone says, takes me right back to him.  I want to think about my future and feel positive about it. I want to feel happy again, to feel excitement again.  All I actually see are obstacles and a very long road.  I want to feel motivation.  I want to be sitting at my Mother’s house next year, on this day, feeling genuine happiness and relief.

I woke up today not feeling anxiety for the first time in as long as I can remember.  I’ve been back on Seroquel for a little over a week, so I’m assuming that has something to do with it.  It’s a little unnerving, not feeling something you expect to.  I can’t trust my own brain nowadays, so it worries me a bit.  I start to worry I’m on an upward swing to mania, which terrifies me.  I did notice that I had a bit of a short temper today, too.  Another warning sign.  Eating more than usual.  Another warning sign.

My 15-year-old pointed out the other day that I’m a better version of myself when I’m active and around other people.  He said he see’s a much happier mom and wants me to do that more often.  He also declared that I should not have a boyfriend for at least a year.  I explained that a year is a very long time, but as of right now, I don’t think that should be a problem.  I feel like there is no man in my age range that would be even remotely be interested in me anyway.  I’m pretty sure strangers on the street can take one look at me and see how broken and damaged I am.  He even gave me the “you need to work on yourself” spiel.  I know he means well, but I swear if I hear that one more time, I’m going to literally scream.  I don’t know how to do that.  I’ve never lived for myself, unless I was manic and making dumb decisions or giving in to my alcoholism.

I wanted today to be MY Independence day, independent of feeling like this.  From what I can tell, that didn’t happen. So here’s to hoping it will all click one day (tomorrow) and I can actually find my independence.  My independence from my addiction, my disorder, and my heartbreak.

 

Numb.

Today, I am numb. I’ve watched a couple of movies and made a new friend.  I also have been dabbling with an online dating site, which I know is a terrible idea.  I gave my number to someone, and quickly figured out, they are not who they pretend to be, so, bye.  I am far too fragile right now to play games and especially to get caught up with a liar. A part of me feels guilty, like I led him on a bit, but I HAVE to protect myself, especially now.

I’ve also spent the day wrapped up in old memories of David and me.  My memories are so vivid today, it makes my heart hurt.  I wish I could just focus on all the things I didn’t like about him or the things he did that were hurtful to me. I just know I must have hurt him so bad, over and over.  I feel so guilty for all the pain I must have caused him. I know it couldn’t have been easy watching me hurt myself, over and over. I know why he had to send me away, but it still hurts like a motherfucker. I still feel abandoned and I still feel angry.  I just miss him. I miss my best friend.  I miss his fucking hugs, his fucking eyes, and the way he smells when he gets out of the fucking shower.

A new friend suggested a movie that I think I’ll probably watch again, at least the last 10 minutes, as I feel it was the most profound part of the movie.  The movie is called Comet. It stars Emmy Rossum and Justin Long.  I think it might be a good one to watch if you’ve just been through a break-up yourself. You can find it on Netflix. I’d also recommend I Smile Back. starring Sarah Silverman. You can find it on Amazon. I Smile Back is about a bipolar mother of 2, who suffers from addiction, as well.  Warning: very hard to watch and may be a trigger for some, so watch the trailer first.  Check it out and comment your thoughts. I Smile Back

Therapy.

So, next Wednesday I begin my intensive outpatient therapy, which will include cognitive behavioral therapy, group, and meds.  The first appointment is 2 hours and is basically to determine my treatment plan, from what I gather.  Or as I loving refer to it, a gauge of exactly how bad I really am.  90% sure I’ll be moved from Bipolar II to Bipolar I.  We’ll see.

Since I had to wait so long for an appointment, I’ve kind of got a jump-start on things. I’ve been reading as much as I can get in front of my face about addiction, bipolar, depression, and the like.  I also started this blog, obviously.  I’ve made a commitment to getting outside as much as humanly possible.  I’ve taken myself out of my comfort zone and depressive state by agreeing to do things with my kids that I normally wouldn’t.  I play hide and seek at night, play basketball with them, swim when I think it’s too cold, and watch their silly shows with them.  Wouldn’t you know it, that stuff is actually fun! We’ve also had campfires for the last 2 nights and had smores.  I’m more of a toasted marshmallow and chocolate on the side kind of gal though.  For me though, nothing is better therapy than a day spent fishing. Nothing.

I’ve been making my mental health a priority for the first time in my life.  I never understood when people say, “you have to put your health first, you need to work on yourself, you need to love yourself” but I’m starting to.  By doing the small things I listed above, I find small positives in every single day, whether I intended to or not.

Side note: while sitting by the fire tonight I played Chris Stapleton’s album Traveller.  Music is also a big stress reliever and great therapy.  If you haven’t already seen and listened to “Fire Away” I highly recommend it.  It’s a rough one, but very good.