So, I’ve been sitting here with this title typed out for about 6 hours now, stumped on what to write. I thank Welbutrin for that. I’ve been sober a total of 114 days now, and it’s been pretty easy. I have great medication and a couple hundred hours of therapy to thank for that. I went to my reunion at a bar, and went to a different bar after the reunion was over. While at the second bar, a gentleman purchased and brought over a shot called Rock Lobster (my favorite) and put it down right in front of me and complimented me. I politely declined and pushed it back in his direction. No sweat. I mentioned this at therapy one evening, and thanked Naltrexone for the complete lack of want for my favorite shot. My therapist corrected me and said Naltrexone is good and effective, but it isn’t THAT effective and that I need to take some credit for the decision. If you or someone you know is struggling with alcoholism or opiate dependence, please look into this life changing and miracle medication here.
I’ve started my job and now have 1 week left of training, and really like it so far. For working from home, I sure don’t feel alone. We have endless resources and it seems the company really cares about its employees. They sent me a great computer and the training has been extremely thorough. Zero complaints.
My shrink recently put me on a new medication to help with the nightmares that either Welbutrin or Seroquel is causing. The dreams I’ve been experiencing give me PTSD type nightmares, where I’m reliving traumatic events in my life, and dreaming about all new ones. I wake up a couple of times a night sweating head to toe in the midst of a panic attack. Prazosin is a blood pressure medication but so far, has not worked for me. I’m still having bizarre dreams and waking up in a full body sweat. Also, when I wake up a simple flight of stairs leaves me winded and dizzy, when I’m in the best shape I’ve been in, in a very long time.
I’m still jogging/running and am using a phone app called C25K, and I highly recommend it. You start out, every other day with a 5 minute warm up, then 90 seconds of walking, 60 seconds of jogging for a total of 30 minutes. It has been kicking my ass, but it IS getting easier. I treated myself to a pair of bluetooth wireless sport headphones, with my first paycheck as a reward for sticking with something, that before getting sober, I loathed. I love the time I spend on the treadmill in solitude. I always do 4 miles, which takes me about 85 minutes. Each time, it gets a little less, and a little less and I’m proud of myself for it. I also want to incorporate some strength training and toning, and will do that soon. I also want to be able to get up early and do my run, before work, instead of after.
I broke up with Donuts, and I have not missed him, not one second of one day. I did not cry, I did not care. He took issue with the fact that I do not partake in organized religion and will never become a born again Christian, under any circumstance. I didn’t like the way he kissed me and he had a certain “creep” factor about him. I tried, I tried to like the “good guy” and it just didn’t take. It’s not me, no matter how much I wanted it to be.
I also went out with Chocolate Cake (C.C.)last night, and it was a great evening. We actually went to get dessert at The Cheesecake Factory and I got Chocolate Cake Cheesecake to mark the occasion. It was quite hilarious for me. C.C. was funny, charming, and sweet, a bit of a change since the last time we were together. We ended up at a park that kids used to make-out at when we were teenagers, back in the day. So, we did the same, among other things. No regrets. I have zero expectations where C.C. is concerned, if things work out, then they do. No pressure, whatsoever. I do enjoy spending time with him and wouldn’t exactly turn down an opportunity to be exclusive with him, but I’m not rushing it or getting my hopes up.
So, on September 20, David and I’s anniversary, I was weak and sent him an email. I told him I wished him well and hope that he is happy. He responded with this:
I am happy and doing well. Work is pretty much the same and this Note 7 recall is a nightmare. I’m sorry it’s been a week for me to reply, but I have been busy. I’m glad to hear you’re happy with the new job. Congratulations. I’m also glad to hear that you’re still in therapy and it’s helping.
I’ve only been dove hunting twice this season and did not make it down to Sugarland for South zone opener. I have not shot my bow in months. I am so out of practice, I don’t even think I can draw it anymore. But it’s good that you have been practicing and I hope you can hunt at Brent’s this season and be successful.
I often think about how you’re doing, but I have a new life now. As much as I wish I could take things back, I know we can’t change the past.
I also wish you well and hope you continue to make good decisions to better your life. Keep up the good work.
What a condescending, rude, ass. He doesn’t have a fucking new life, he has a fucking new girlfriend. I am the one with a new life. My life was the one that was flipped completely upside down, having to start over from scratch. I’m the one that changed everything about myself, for the better. I’m sure he is still getting wasted every night, and it is only a matter of time until his whore figures out, he isn’t who he pretends to be in the beginning. I just keep hearing “new life” in his voice, over and over in my head. Fuck him! What does he mean, I wish I could take things back? Honestly, I don’t care. Do I still miss him, yes. Do I still love him, possibly. However, he is toxic, in every sense of the word and I could not see myself back with him, under any circumstance. I am honestly, and truly enjoying being single and have no plans to change that, any time soon.
New life? My ass!